simile and metaphor

[eimarra]

I am one of those people who believes that word order matters. "He only wanted a cheeseburger" means something different than "He wanted only a cheeseburger."

In the critique of my story, "Family Man," she said she didn't like "the silence stretched like an elevator cable" because [s]ince elevator cables are among the noisiest things I've heard (particularly stretched ones), I found this an odd simile for silence.

But to me, "the silence stretched like an elevator cable" tells me that it's stretching, under a lot of tension, and something bad's going to happen when it breaks. It does not mean the same thing as "the silence was like a stretched elevator cable" or "the silence was like an elevator cable stretching," where I could see the silence (or lack thereof) of the elevator cable being pertinent.

The fact that she didn't see it this way says that my choice wasn't clear and would cause some readers to stumble. I know that, and when I edit it, I suppose I'll look for another way to convey all that meaning that I wanted with that phrase. However, I'd just like to know . . . am I wrong? Does using the elevator cable in the way I did automatically mean I am (or should be) referring to its silence?

I'm open to opinions. And I even promise to do my pouting privately if you all tell me I'm wrong.

Comments

[mrockwell.livejournal.com]

I think it's because both "silence" and "cable" are nouns, so it might seem to some readers that those are what you are comparing, as opposed to "stretched" and "cable." So if you were to change it, you might want to compare verb to verb.

But I read it the way you intended and had to really think for awhile as to why she would have read it any differently. The noun vs. verb thing was all I could come up with.

HTH!

[eimarra]

Noun = noun. *nods thoughtfully* That might be it.

Thanks!

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

It makes sense once you explained it, but I don't think I'd have understood what you meant reading it cold. Of course, since I haven't read the surrounding text, I could be wrong.

[eimarra]

This is what I need -- a variety of opinions! Thanks!

[david-bridger.livejournal.com]

"The silence stretched like an elevator cable" works for me. I get it so completely, I wouldn't have paused to analyse it if I were reading the story. But to analyse it now: sometimes a very tense silence can scream inside your head. That's what it means to me.

[eimarra]

Oooh, I might have to steal that scream inside the head for my reworking of this!

Thanks.

[david-bridger.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. :)

[bonniers.livejournal.com]

I don't have any trouble understanding what you meant, but the comparison seems -- I don't know, forced, perhaps? Silence and cables aren't usually things I associate. Part of the power and function of a good metaphor is that it shows unexpected similarities underneath the surface, so it's a valid thing to do, but in this case I'm not picking up any unexpected resonance. It's a nice image of tension, but nothing deeper.

[eimarra]

Thanks for the input. I have to admit, I don't usually dig that deep to create layers of meaning and resonance in my every metaphor and simile. Sometimes a metaphor is just a surface comparison. Maybe I don't spend enough effort on my craft; it's certainly something I've considered.