tears are inadequate

[eimarra]

A colleague of my husband's hosts solstice and equinox parties every year. Last night, we went to the party. As we were leaving, just before 11 p.m., the vet called my husband's cell phone. It wasn't urgent; she was the doctor on the new shift, and she wanted to talk about Dancer's condition. Dancer was clearly in pain and still having a lot of trouble breathing. My husband said it was clear the vet really wanted us to consider putting Dancer to sleep.

I'd been thinking about that, wondering if I was being selfish, inflicting pain on her unnecessarily. On the other paw, without knowing what was wrong, I didn't want to make an irreversible decision. What if she could be treated and go back to being her happy, healthy self?

Twenty minutes later, just as we were driving across the river, his cell rang again. We both knew it couldn't be good, and he pulled off on the next side street, parked, and talked.

Shortly after the first phone call, they saw liquid coming from Dancer's mouth and nose. They attempted a chest tap to draw off fluid. She went into arrest, and they couldn't get her back.

The fluid from the tap was dark and bloody, and the vet said it was the sort they usually see with cancer, from a tumor. So I guess when the lab results came back, we would've found that out.

I wish I'd had the chance to hold her one last time, to let her go knowing that she was loved, not feeling abandoned in a strange place surrounded by people she didn't know, caged off where she couldn't even be touched.

Thank you everyone for your warm wishes and thoughts. I do appreciate them.

Comments

[bonniers.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I'm so sorry.

[elizabethboyce.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry. (((hugs)))

[dragonmyst.livejournal.com]

oh dear!

{{{hugs to you and family}}}

[kellan_the_tabby]

Oh honey. *hugs you tight* It is so, so hard to lose someone like that.

[david-bridger.livejournal.com]

Oh, love. She did know, you know. She knew you put her in a place of safety and comfort, with people who looked after her gently. She loved you and she knew you loved her.

[anghara.livejournal.com]

oh, my dear. I am so sorry.

[chanphenglew.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about your loss.

[avferreira.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. Hugs!

[hoshikaze.livejournal.com]

Sorry about her passing. (hugs). The not knowing part is hard, I've been through that with one of my cats a few years back. While her death was quick we still don't know why she suddenly got so sick so fast.

[l-clausewitz.livejournal.com]

Well, my condolences. But I think she would have been glad instead, knowing that she has shared so much with you and your family both in good and in bad times while you were together. Don't underestimate how sensitive cats can be. ;)

[saetter.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Erin...

[temporus.livejournal.com]

My condolences. It sounds as if Dancer had a great, caring family.

[dsgood.livejournal.com]

My condolences.

[chipmunk-planet.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so sorry. Hugs.

[(Anonymous)]

Big big hugs. Valerie

[celticwolf72.livejournal.com]

I'm sure Dancer will be waiting for you. I know that's not much comfort now, it is quite hard to loose a 'child'. Just remember that your friends are here for you, and we all feel for your loss. And who knows, maybe you'll get a little visit from Dancer on Samhain....

[annelyle.livejournal.com]

Hugs on your very sad loss. One of my cats went missing a couple of years ago, and we heard later that someone had possibly run into a cat near our house, but we never found the body. The worst part was knowing she died alone, even if natural feline endorphins meant she probably was not in too much pain. It takes a long time but you do get over it.